Transforming negative emotions

How many times have you been faced with a string of strong emotions designed to bring you down? Thoughts keep rattling around in your head and left to fester, they can cause physical, emotional, mental and spiritual distress. Emotions like anger, hate, envy, jealousy and depression can become toxic. Not only can they affect the way you feel, but they can spill over into your relationships and have an impact on how you show up in the world each day. Looking for ‘the gift’ inherent in these ‘negative’ feelings can enable you to transform them and as a result, you have the power to reclaim your power.

In this article, I’d like to highlight some of these emotions and invite you into a new narrative of transforming them.

1. Pressure

There is a pervasive feeling of anxiety, high stress, insomnia and eating disorders. A feeling of not being able to meet all the demands you are faced with, a fear of not being good enough and a strong need to perform.

The Invitation

• To re-evaluate your priorities
• Improve time management
• Cut out less urgent/important tasks
• Make sure your support system is in place
• Ensure adequate recreational time
• Ask for help
• Find an activity that helps with relaxation, concentration or centring (e.g. yoga, swimming, meditation, non-competitive sports)
• Try and get some ‘me’ time every day

1. Hatred

You may have strong feelings of resentment towards a person or situation and sometimes even towards yourself. These feelings may point to unresolved or unexpressed feelings that have been simmering for a long time. Perhaps they are linked to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Unless these feelings are constructively expressed, they could lead to a great deal of inner turmoil.

The Invitation

• Learn to identify and address issues as they arise.
• Look for positive as opposed to negative attributes around the cause of this hatred
• Learn to accept that certain people/situations don’t suit you, and that’s OK.
• Look what it is you’re projecting outward – those disavowed parts of yourself that you don’t want to acknowledge/deal with, that you’re attributing to others.
• Ask what inside you is feeling threatened by this person/situation. Confront/resolve your fears.
• Recognize that your hatred can become a mental/emotional ‘story’ that hampers your life more than the other person’s.
• Identify what is NOT true about your judgements of the other person/event.
• Identify if you have any investment in being right to hate. It takes a lot of energy to maintain hatred. Is it worth maintaining that energy?
• See if you can forgive yourself and the other.

1. Grief/Loss/Bereavement

This powerful emotion can cause unbearable pain, confusion, rejection, sadness, remorse, loneliness, guilt and an overwhelming sense of despair. This can be one of the hardest emotions to transform, yet it’s possible.

The Invitation

• Accept that grieving is a normal reaction to loss and that it takes time to heal – be gentle with yourself.
• Talk about it! Cry about it! Write about it! Pray about it! Draw it! Sculpt it! Let out your feelings in whatever way is safe and comfortable for you – this enables your body/mind/spirit to release its inner tension/bereft state.
• Use your support system. Seek/ask for opportunities to talk with someone empathic.
• If you’re going to avoid/deny/minimize the pain, do so consciously or it’ll resurface in other ways (e.g. psychosomatically). It’s OK to permit yourself to delay grieving, but don’t put it off for long.
• Examine reasons for the loss. For example, if a broken relationship, what can be learned from the experience so a similar situation can be handled differently next time?
• Remind yourself of other losses that you’ve managed to survive without fragmenting. Use self-affirming statements.
• Call on your inner reserves to get through this period and come out intact on the other side.
• Embrace independence that you possibly didn’t have before.
• Practice as much self-love as you can manage.
• Read books on loss – you’ll see that you’re going through well-recognised/documented ‘stages’ – such as stages of anger, one of denial, another of depression – these are all normal/expected. If you give yourself permission to grieve fully/deeply, you’ll one day get to that stage of acceptance of what is. And with more time/healing/insight you may even detect a greater plan leading you onto a new beginning. The loss has become a teacher, initiator, guide, catalyst for change/new opportunity/restoration of Self even in the face of loss.

1. Insecurity / Self-doubt

These emotions can cause a loss of identity and feelings of being unlovable and unloved.

The Invitation

• Look for your uniqueness, celebrate it.
• Work on acquiring skills/attitudes to counter self-doubt.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Feel the doubt; but act anyway! This is positively reinforcing.

1. Hopelessness

With this emotion, there is a sense of frustration, a lack of motivation and a sense of loss. You may feel self-pity, self-victimisation and a sense of insufficient opportunities.

The Invitation

• Act before hopelessness turns to depression or thoughts of suicide.
• Re-valuate self/situation. Assess how realistic the hopelessness is.
• Re-define, re-prioritize goals/wishes/needs.
• Acknowledge accomplishments.
• Stretch yourself – discover new interests, join a group, act in empowering ways.
• Accept what is irreversible, change what is reversible.
• Give to yourself what others can’t give to you. Do for yourself, what others can’t do for you.
• Read inspirational texts.
• Confront your fears, and act on them. Don’t disempower yourself further.
• Take ‘baby steps to change your bio-psycho-social state. Recognize/reward all achievements. Accept setbacks as temporary/reversible.

1. Jealousy

This corrosive emotion can cause envy, limited confidence, clinginess, insecurity and a distorted perception of yourself and others.

The Invitation

• Become conscious of – and deliberately affirm – your abilities/attributes, all that you have/are/do as well as your potential.
• Recognize the toxic nature of jealousy to your well-being.
• Acknowledge your weaknesses/strengths, and work on areas of self that need attention.
• Learn self-love, and self-security. Practice wholeness, centeredness, and balance.
• Celebrate others’ successes, and practice giving. See what comes back in return.
• Uncover your neediness. Confront your fears.
• Take a look at how you play the victim in this situation.

1. Humiliation / Shame

Have you ever felt foolish, embarrassed, exposed or humiliated?
If excessive can also lead to depression, and isolation; possibly even a sense of victimisation (depending on the cause).

The Invitation

• Acknowledge your shame, first to yourself. It brings you in deep/profound touch with your deepest, most vulnerable/fragile self.
• If possible, express your shame to others so they can understand what’s happening. Expression of our faults/regrets/humiliation invites empathy; and recognition of our own and others humanity.
• Do a self-assessment: review your own perceived imperfections/defects/weaknesses. Once you know what needs to be improved/worked on, you can start to act.
• If your self-esteem has taken a knock too, then work on rebuilding it. Self-acceptance (of our shadow and light, good and bad sides) is essential.
• Shame lets you distinguish between right and wrong. It can influence your inner conscience and guide your morals, values, and behaviours.
• If appropriate, using humour to ‘laugh at one’s behaviour’, can alleviate your own (and other’s) tension. Making light of an awkward, but the very human, moment can normalize embarrassing moments.
• Understand the cause of the shame: self-caused or due to another? Consider your response.
• Reflect on the degree/intensity of shame being felt – is it a realistic or exaggerated response to an event? Realise everyone makes mistakes; that perfection is unrealistic. If the shame is realistic, consider what this experience means to you, and how you can ‘make it count so that it need never shame you again.
• Talk through the event with a trusted ally, or counsellor. This can help reduce the trauma.
• Use this experience as a yardstick to measure acceptable from unacceptable behaviour.
• Identify whether such a situation can reasonably be avoided in the future, and how?
• Identify whether you need more training/skills development/practice before you attempt the activity again.

1. Frustration / Anger

Feelings of annoyance, impatience, anger and intolerance accompany this emotion.

The Invitation

• Stop! Breathe deeply. Count to 10. (Or you might lose control, and say/do something you’ll regret).
• Calmly communicate your feelings (use a 3 or 4-part statement to communicate fully). Communicate to inform, not to hurt/shame/blame/label others.
• Identify the underlying feelings/needs/expectations/goals/values/norms. (Look for shame, fear or guilt.) Are your goals/norms/values realistic and achievable? Have you communicated them to the right people? What else can you do to get around the barriers? Is attitudinal change needed?
• Know that frustration can be controlled/tolerated/managed. Learning how to tolerate frustrations is a necessary/crucial skill in life! The ability to tolerate frustrations is a sign of emotional maturity. Find/learn ways of soothing yourself (e.g. ‘time-out’, visualisation, meditation, taking a walk, negotiation etc).
• Take time to consider the other person’s point of view.
• Know that an opportunity is in front of you. Identify if you’re projecting onto others what is your own ‘stuff’. Often we tend to blame others for how we feel. When we take full authorship/ownership of our stuff we can better get to the underlying issues. Be willing to access your shadow side, that inner darkness, the deep psycho-spiritual place we often fear to go. By taking that journey we open ourselves to seeing the light/truth/illusions/reality. Welcome this opportunity for greater self-awareness.
• Know that you have freedom of choice – you can (re)empower yourself, or dis-empower yourself by your choices.

1. Sadness / Despair / Depression

Perhaps you feel despondent, a feeling of emptiness, disappointment, regret, loss, depression and loneliness.

The Invitation

• Re-evaluation of ‘self’ concept/goals/relationships
• Identify the trigger; develop a new/alternative/positive response
• Feel the sadness fully; then detach from it (observe it as though from a distance; externalise it); realise the sadness can be a ‘story’ you can engage with or disengage from
• Reflect on what makes you happy, strong, and complete in yourself. Identify positive coping mechanisms that have helped you (or others) in the past.
• Call on a friend/family member, join a support group; talk about it; accept help from others
• Spoil yourself, nurture yourself, celebrate yourself/ your Self; feed your soul
• Make someone else happy, give to others, do voluntary work
• Review your diet and exercise regimen
• Do something creative
• Take action that will redirect your attention/emotions toward something positive
• Make changes in your life
• Seek professional, medical help if necessary – medication can be effective in altering brain chemistry, as thus help get you started on the path to emotional recovery
• Dance, sing, move vigorously, sculpt, write, paint
• Go into a place of natural beauty (e.g. the mountains, forests, sea etc) – look for the beauty
• (Re)connect with your spiritual core.

1. Worry

Perhaps you’ve experienced sleepless nights, mental anguish and deep concern. This strong emotion often shows itself somatically in stress conditions such as stomach aches, headaches, skin conditions (eczema, shingles), ulcers, over/under-eating, depression, etc.

The Invitation

• Talk about what’s worrying you. Get the feelings/thoughts expressed/externalized (to reduce the chances of internal reaction on a physical level).
• Seek whatever knowledge/guidance is lacking. Because worry is a mental activity, physical activity is a good way of alleviating it.
• Proper planning and researching all the facts/info needed can prevent unnecessary worry.
• Assess what is genuinely worth worrying about, and what isn’t. Let go of the latter immediately. Now unpack in great detail those things that cause worthwhile concern.
• Identify what’s underlying the worry – it’s usually a fear of an imagined state: e.g. being abandoned, shamed, failing self/others, losing control. Consider how you might tackle/transform your deepest fears.
• Recognize the psycho-social benefits of flexibility, of ‘going with the flow’, of releasing that which is past/future/imaginary.
• Remind yourself of times you have coped well in the past with unknown/uncertain situations. Tell yourself you can do so again. (Negative inner talk breeds negative emotion; positive inner talk boost positive feelings about self/environment.)
• Take up and practice calming techniques: meditation, relaxation exercises, guided visualization, tai chi, yoga, painting, drawing, movement, sculpting.
• Do things that ‘take your mind off your mind’, and focus your attention elsewhere.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff.

There are many more negative emotions, and all of them can be countered using positive strategies of transformation. You can always change your narrative lens with time and effort.